Monday, January 22, 2018

It's been a year and I hate social media

Two unrelated, sort of, topics. 
Today is January 22nd, "technically" a year ago that he passed away. But really it was yesterday, a year ago, that this nightmare happened. And it's dumb, but I had guilt about not doing anything yesterday. I was too caught up in the number of the day, that I spaced the actual day. I don't know what is normal or appropriate for grieving. And I know that there isn't a normal. It's just....strange. 
I miss Matt. 
This year has forced me to learn a lot of things. Mostly that I"m not in control. I can choose how I react, but we've all accepted a mission on this earth, and while we don't remember it, it will play out. 

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails"

Such a cliche thing, but I'm finding it ever relevant. 

I'm also tired of "social" media. It's draining. I know other's lives aren't affected by Matt's death like I am so seeing everyone have their "happy" lives kind of kills me. But it's not their problem, it's mine. Facebook just kind of sucks now. 

I took the older two kids to Hyrum tonight. The others didn't want to come. We got three roses and stopped at the gas station for the customary chips, and Matt's last favorite which was reese's nutrageous. 

There was sharing of this super nutritious dinner. True Dad style. 

There's been a tiny bit of snow around these parts so we cleared it off the headstone. I was glad that it wasn’t cleared, so that I could do it. It’s still surreal to  have a husband that I had to bury so young. I'm very anxious to find out what this was all for. One year at a time I guess. 
I love you Matt, for eternity, I am yours. 
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Wednesday, January 17, 2018

A Christmas gift

This year I did something different with the kids and the gifts they got. I did the something they need, something to read, something to do, and something they want. 

These two picked swimming lessons. 
They go for four Saturdays for 30 minutes. Paige isn't afraid of the water so it's a good idea to get her to know what to do in it besides drown. 
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Happy earth birthday Daddy

January is probably going to be the hardest month for this family. Matt's birthday was the 5th, his death anniversary is the 22nd and our wedding anniversary is the 29th. 

I need a vacation next year. 

This year I thought we would celebrate with taco salad, cake and balloons. 

Raegan painted her face with the frosting and that was about the extent of her eating :) I also picked up a balloon for each of us to write a memory on and release into the sky. I didn't think about the fact that it was dark out and we wouldn't be able to see them float so I said we would do it the next day...except I didn't realize that you have to get something special added to the balloons so they don't deflate overnight. #fail
I was also upset at myself about the color of balloons, thinking they should have been rainbow or all yellow. 
Backing up for a second, this was also the day that I had a counseling appointment. It was draining. He asked me to describe Matt, (his build) and what he would wear if he was to walk in the room with us. Then he had me picture him sitting in a chair in the room. It was an overpowering feeling doing that. Visualization is nothing to laugh at. I gave myself a massive headache from all of the crying and it continued on into the evening. 

It's hard to deal with all of this. I am grateful that Stephen is who he is. He has never made me feel bad about my feelings and he knows that "it will all work out in the end". 
Enjoy life Meggan. Enjoy it. 
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