Monday, August 21, 2017

It's just about the end of August, three months since I wrote last. My head is above water now. It took a mid-life crisis of sorts to figure it out. I barely finished the BYU-I pathway program. I'm so glad that is over with. My new goal was to start school this fall and work towards getting a degree in marriage and family studies. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I feel the importance of getting an education, but I'm not sure that's the one. 

-sigh-

In other more profound news...I've been introduced to someone. I did not go looking and I'm obviously still very broken. But for some reason he wants to marry me. It's very soon. I know that. But I know there are no coincidences. He has a deep spiritual knowledge of things. I still don't understand God's plan for me but in the past three months I have found out that there is a plan and it encompasses all. 

I don't entirely know what my future looks like. I know it's still an uphill battle. I miss Matt fiercely. I would join him right now if I had t he chance. But I am left to finish my mission. 

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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Not dead yet

Wish I could report on death like you can cancer or some other ailment. But, funny thing, wen you're dead...you're dead. 
The end. 
All done.
Finito.
I literally don't even know what I've done with my life since my last post. I think I've tried to run away a few times. Figuratively of course. 
I wanted to buy myself a new car. Cause what better way to heal than with material possessions, right?
Then I thought that maybe finding someone else to connect with, of the opposite gender, was a good idea. That ended before it even began...all on text, of course. 
Then I actually needed to move. Convinced myself of it. 

When in reality...all I need to do...is
Chill. The. Crap. Out. 

This bull crap isn't going anywhere. I'm going to wake up every day without Matt. That is my reality. And the past two weeks have sucked. 
I went to his grave last week, alone, for the first time. I  cried the whole way there. I cried the whole time I was there. 
I can't control it. 
There was no specific reason for my crying. I just did. And I ached. And I felt empty and so alone. 
And I don't understand feeling alone because I have felt Matt. I know he's "alive" as a spirit. So why I feel a lack of him now...confuses me. Am I trying to hard? I have no idea. 

I just know that life is sad for me right now, and nothing I am doing to make it heal faster is working. 

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Thursday, April 6, 2017

Only your soul can hear what's in my heart

I received a package the other day from a sweet friend of mine. In it were a few talks she picked out to give me hope and comfort, a letter from her husband to my daughter about her feelings of anger and his counsel and a note with money. 

There are instances in the scriptures when the people talked about a prayer Jesus gave and how there were no words to describe it. It was too deep, and beautiful, and a whole bunch of other things that couldn't be explained. 

That is how I feel when I think about people praying for us, or sending us love notes or helping us just because. Saying thank you is so lifeless for me at this point. It explains nothing of how I actually feel. It doesn't let anyone know how deeply their kindness is making me feel. 

In the past 10.5 weeks I have been brought to tears more times than I can count, thanked numerous people, prayed for those people, and have been humbled by it all. I know there are people I still have yet to thank. If you are one of the many people that have done kind deeds for my family...thank you. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart, the part that aches for my sweet husband to still be here. 
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