Thursday, April 6, 2017

Only your soul can hear what's in my heart

I received a package the other day from a sweet friend of mine. In it were a few talks she picked out to give me hope and comfort, a letter from her husband to my daughter about her feelings of anger and his counsel and a note with money. 

There are instances in the scriptures when the people talked about a prayer Jesus gave and how there were no words to describe it. It was too deep, and beautiful, and a whole bunch of other things that couldn't be explained. 

That is how I feel when I think about people praying for us, or sending us love notes or helping us just because. Saying thank you is so lifeless for me at this point. It explains nothing of how I actually feel. It doesn't let anyone know how deeply their kindness is making me feel. 

In the past 10.5 weeks I have been brought to tears more times than I can count, thanked numerous people, prayed for those people, and have been humbled by it all. I know there are people I still have yet to thank. If you are one of the many people that have done kind deeds for my family...thank you. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart, the part that aches for my sweet husband to still be here. 
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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Time marches on

It's been a while since my last post. 
It would be nice to say that this was all a nightmare and I finally woke up.
But that isn't so. 

I spend my days trying to keep busy and keep my mind on the moment instead of dwelling on things that won't ever be changed. 

The kids are doing mostly 'ok'. Miss  C seems to be doing the worst. There's two reasons for that I think. The first being that she's 7 1/2, and I really despised this age with Mr. B as well. It's best described as something out of a Stephen King novel. Cujo. Carrie. The Poltergeist...although I'm not sure he authored that one. And the second cause of her issues are obviously her Dad dying. She's an angry elf. 

The boys are my favorites right now. They still have their own drama but they are way less stressful than the girls. 

I need to be a better Mom. I feel like all of general conference has been telling me to be charitable and mild tempered, and soft spoken. All things that I am not. So how do I train myself to be this person that I know God wants me to be? Still figuring it out. 

I need my husband. In the flesh. And breathing. I think that's the hardest part of all this crap. I literally don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life now. And the answer to that prayer is either taking it's sweet time coming, or I'm not hearing it and I am desperate to hear it.  
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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Music and healing

I have had a lot of people in my small circle of high school pass away from random things. A couple of them have had interesting things happen beforehand. I remember one in particular that started talking about the after life, and he was young. So it was quite out of character I guess you would say, for a young man to start talking like that. 

I will get to the point, just bear with me. 

I've been reading books on where our loved ones go after they die and what they are doing. This one book, called "The birth we call death", gives an analogy about death being like a ship. You can see the ship for a long time, until it reaches the horizon and goes out of view. We know that the ship is still going even if we can't see it.

Just like death. 

Our family watched Moana together and immediately fell in love with the soundtrack. We quickly memorized them and would sing together. Matt was a rocker. He would sit up after everyone was in bed and listen to music and rock in a rocking chair. So it didn't surprise me when he sat up listening to the Moana songs... 

until I started to reflect on the events in my life. 

He was listening to How far I'll go by Alessia Cara. I can't help but wonder if he was being prepared, or given a hint to what was coming. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I grasp at straws trying to make some sort of sense of this crap-shoot I'm in. 

"Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go
Though I long to be
See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go"

It was the last song played on his phone. 

The line where the sky meets the see.....

It called him. 



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