Two unrelated, sort of, topics.
Today is January 22nd, "technically" a year ago that he passed away. But really it was yesterday, a year ago, that this nightmare happened. And it's dumb, but I had guilt about not doing anything yesterday. I was too caught up in the number of the day, that I spaced the actual day. I don't know what is normal or appropriate for grieving. And I know that there isn't a normal. It's just....strange.
I miss Matt.
This year has forced me to learn a lot of things. Mostly that I"m not in control. I can choose how I react, but we've all accepted a mission on this earth, and while we don't remember it, it will play out.
"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails"
Such a cliche thing, but I'm finding it ever relevant.
I'm also tired of "social" media. It's draining. I know other's lives aren't affected by Matt's death like I am so seeing everyone have their "happy" lives kind of kills me. But it's not their problem, it's mine. Facebook just kind of sucks now.
I took the older two kids to Hyrum tonight. The others didn't want to come. We got three roses and stopped at the gas station for the customary chips, and Matt's last favorite which was reese's nutrageous.
There was sharing of this super nutritious dinner. True Dad style.
There's been a tiny bit of snow around these parts so we cleared it off the headstone. I was glad that it wasn’t cleared, so that I could do it. It’s still surreal to have a husband that I had to bury so young. I'm very anxious to find out what this was all for. One year at a time I guess.
I love you Matt, for eternity, I am yours.