Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Not dead yet

Wish I could report on death like you can cancer or some other ailment. But, funny thing, wen you're're dead. 
The end. 
All done.
I literally don't even know what I've done with my life since my last post. I think I've tried to run away a few times. Figuratively of course. 
I wanted to buy myself a new car. Cause what better way to heal than with material possessions, right?
Then I thought that maybe finding someone else to connect with, of the opposite gender, was a good idea. That ended before it even began...all on text, of course. 
Then I actually needed to move. Convinced myself of it. 

When in reality...all I need to
Chill. The. Crap. Out. 

This bull crap isn't going anywhere. I'm going to wake up every day without Matt. That is my reality. And the past two weeks have sucked. 
I went to his grave last week, alone, for the first time. I  cried the whole way there. I cried the whole time I was there. 
I can't control it. 
There was no specific reason for my crying. I just did. And I ached. And I felt empty and so alone. 
And I don't understand feeling alone because I have felt Matt. I know he's "alive" as a spirit. So why I feel a lack of him now...confuses me. Am I trying to hard? I have no idea. 

I just know that life is sad for me right now, and nothing I am doing to make it heal faster is working. 

Pin It!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Only your soul can hear what's in my heart

I received a package the other day from a sweet friend of mine. In it were a few talks she picked out to give me hope and comfort, a letter from her husband to my daughter about her feelings of anger and his counsel and a note with money. 

There are instances in the scriptures when the people talked about a prayer Jesus gave and how there were no words to describe it. It was too deep, and beautiful, and a whole bunch of other things that couldn't be explained. 

That is how I feel when I think about people praying for us, or sending us love notes or helping us just because. Saying thank you is so lifeless for me at this point. It explains nothing of how I actually feel. It doesn't let anyone know how deeply their kindness is making me feel. 

In the past 10.5 weeks I have been brought to tears more times than I can count, thanked numerous people, prayed for those people, and have been humbled by it all. I know there are people I still have yet to thank. If you are one of the many people that have done kind deeds for my family...thank you. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart, the part that aches for my sweet husband to still be here. 
Pin It!

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Time marches on

It's been a while since my last post. 
It would be nice to say that this was all a nightmare and I finally woke up.
But that isn't so. 

I spend my days trying to keep busy and keep my mind on the moment instead of dwelling on things that won't ever be changed. 

The kids are doing mostly 'ok'. Miss  C seems to be doing the worst. There's two reasons for that I think. The first being that she's 7 1/2, and I really despised this age with Mr. B as well. It's best described as something out of a Stephen King novel. Cujo. Carrie. The Poltergeist...although I'm not sure he authored that one. And the second cause of her issues are obviously her Dad dying. She's an angry elf. 

The boys are my favorites right now. They still have their own drama but they are way less stressful than the girls. 

I need to be a better Mom. I feel like all of general conference has been telling me to be charitable and mild tempered, and soft spoken. All things that I am not. So how do I train myself to be this person that I know God wants me to be? Still figuring it out. 

I need my husband. In the flesh. And breathing. I think that's the hardest part of all this crap. I literally don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life now. And the answer to that prayer is either taking it's sweet time coming, or I'm not hearing it and I am desperate to hear it.  
Pin It!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...