Thursday, February 9, 2017

18 days

I'm trying my best to keep a record of all the feelings I am experiencing since my husband has passed away. I don't know how I feel half the time. I think it's shattered. Shattered into so many pieces that I feel like I will never be put back together. And I'm selfish. I have five little people that are also broken, and I'm so consumed in the numbness that I think they are ok. 
Everywhere I look I see Matt. I see him in the bookshelf that he put up in the baby's room. I see him when I do scriptures with the kids, and how it used to be. I am not strong even though people keep telling me I am. My strength is not my own. 

My poor Matt. Not poor Matt. Poor me. Alone. Broken. 

I lose my breath opening his closet. I just want him to hug me. I want to know what my new plan is. That's the worst. Losing the person that I grew from teenager to adult with. That pain is so raw. 

I've been told that I need to feel every feeling to it's extent. I don't know how long that will be. I don't know that I can even explain myself. Words just seem so inadequate. So very inadequate. 

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Jen said...

😭😭😭😭 I love u.

Undaunted said...

18 days closer to seeing your sweetheart again. Love you always.