Saturday, May 8, 2010

Denial, depression, and repentance

I'm not going to lie and say this is the best news to me. Bit of a shock actually. I think I have narrowed my issue with it down to the facts that 1) Mr. Cat's job is really up in the air 2) because of this whole job thing that is why we are living with his brother 3) I always worry about what people/family is going to think. I know there comes a time in a persons life when they have to start living for their own happiness and not the approval of others. I haven't quite reached that point yet. I'm working on it...and have made strides, but there is still a part that over analyzes what the reaction will be. This guilt and frustration really is taking a toll on my mental health:) I've noticed that my patience with my  budding and imaginative son isn't what it used to be. I feel bad for that. I feel bad for this denial and what repercussions it could have. So, it goes. Mr. Cat and our family are expecting another wee one in December! Yea. It is fairly overwhelming since our baby now is still so much a baby. But, people do this kind of stuff all the time right? And on top of it all....I really honestly know that Heavenly Father had a part in it, ok...maybe not a part but the whole thing:) And while I am still trying to keep that in the fore front of my mind, it's hard. I feel like I have been slacking as a mother, and adding another on top will make me fail more. And on top of all those feelings,...I have a friend who has a friend that I blog stalk, and this woman wants nothing more than to feel sick, and get fat, and have all the pregnancy things that I am selfishly wanting to deny. That's not right. -sigh-. So my life has been an upheaval of all sorts of emotions and ponderings that I didn't think I would ever feel. So, I'm sorry to myself for being so wrapped up in what others think. I'm sorry to Heavenly Father for thinking he hates me:)  I'm sorry to Shannon and the struggles that she goes through and my selfish feelings of not being grateful for the blessing that I am carrying. I'm sorry to our bean for these feelings and I hope that I can get my head out of my butt soon. So, here's the little one's first picture.

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Sariah said...

First of all... CONGRATS! I can totally relate to those feelings because this baby was not planned either. It took us completely by surprise. It will get more exciting as time goes on. My patience toward A has also gotten really bad. It is HARD when you have more than one kid to take care of, and unfortunately for the oldest or older kids they take the brunt of the frustration. It is NORMAL. I am wishing you lots of luck with the job situation, and a very happy and healthy 9 months. You will do great!

Katrina said...

Meggan, your not alone.... I am so proud of you and you are such a great mom.... why wouldn't Heavenly Father want you to have another one of his little ones... it will get better as Sariah said, and as far Beckham is concerned, he loves you most...children are so forgiving. (Thank you HF...for that.) Love you lots and it really is exciting... another grandbaby.... yah

Jen said...

I love you girl. You'll make it through this too :)