I'm not sure I really feel good about Sunday being the day that I have as a remembrance of Matt dying. Sundays are hard enough by themselves. Small kids in sacrament is not fun. Today is the fourth Sunday that it's been. It's the third Sunday that I relive exactly how the first Sunday went. Waking up and not hearing from Matt. Going to church and checking my phone every 20 minutes. Calling him in between hours to ask why he's not answering or calling me.
Every Sunday.
What am I supposed to learn from this? From this particular situation. My best guess is so that I can reflect on Matt's death and what it means for my Testimony. What is death all about? I know that it's painful. I know how much I hurt for myself that Matt isn't here anymore. I know how much I hurt when I look at our children and know that I will have hard questions to answer by myself. I hurt when innocent children ask me if I will remarry.
I also know that God hasn't forsaken me. As much as it feels like it, I know he hasn't. I know that Christ is literally the only person that knows how I feel. I know he hurts with me. I know he hurts fr me. I know that I feel the tiniest bit of a real connection with my Savior now that I am experiencing this super hard thing.
I ask Matt to meet me in my dreams sometimes and he does. I have these wonderful moments with him. Talking to him and touching his face, and in my dream knowing that it isn't real. That he isn't coming back and that he will leave again when I wake up. I am not sad for Matt. I am shattered for me.
One foot in front of the other. One Sunday at a time.
1 comment:
I've been reading every post, checking in however I can. I've not commented because words escape me. Nothing I say can fix anything. All I can say is let the Savior carry you through this. You don't have to have the strength to do it on your own. You are loved by so many and we are all cheering you on and will be there for you. Matt is cheering you on. As you said, one foot in front of the other, just keep going, one day or even one moment at a time. I love you my friend and am just a call away.
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