Wish I could report on death like you can cancer or some other ailment. But, funny thing, wen you're dead...you're dead.
I literally don't even know what I've done with my life since my last post. I think I've tried to run away a few times. Figuratively of course.
I wanted to buy myself a new car. Cause what better way to heal than with material possessions, right?
Then I thought that maybe finding someone else to connect with, of the opposite gender, was a good idea. That ended before it even began...all on text, of course.
Then I actually needed to move. Convinced myself of it.
When in reality...all I need to do...is
Chill. The. Crap. Out.
This bull crap isn't going anywhere. I'm going to wake up every day without Matt. That is my reality. And the past two weeks have sucked.
I went to his grave last week, alone, for the first time. I cried the whole way there. I cried the whole time I was there.
I can't control it.
There was no specific reason for my crying. I just did. And I ached. And I felt empty and so alone.
And I don't understand feeling alone because I have felt Matt. I know he's "alive" as a spirit. So why I feel a lack of him now...confuses me. Am I trying to hard? I have no idea.
I just know that life is sad for me right now, and nothing I am doing to make it heal faster is working.