Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Not dead yet

Wish I could report on death like you can cancer or some other ailment. But, funny thing, wen you're dead...you're dead. 
The end. 
All done.
Finito.
I literally don't even know what I've done with my life since my last post. I think I've tried to run away a few times. Figuratively of course. 
I wanted to buy myself a new car. Cause what better way to heal than with material possessions, right?
Then I thought that maybe finding someone else to connect with, of the opposite gender, was a good idea. That ended before it even began...all on text, of course. 
Then I actually needed to move. Convinced myself of it. 

When in reality...all I need to do...is
Chill. The. Crap. Out. 

This bull crap isn't going anywhere. I'm going to wake up every day without Matt. That is my reality. And the past two weeks have sucked. 
I went to his grave last week, alone, for the first time. I  cried the whole way there. I cried the whole time I was there. 
I can't control it. 
There was no specific reason for my crying. I just did. And I ached. And I felt empty and so alone. 
And I don't understand feeling alone because I have felt Matt. I know he's "alive" as a spirit. So why I feel a lack of him now...confuses me. Am I trying to hard? I have no idea. 

I just know that life is sad for me right now, and nothing I am doing to make it heal faster is working. 

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2 comments:

Aaron Mishou said...

I'm so sorry, Meggan. I wish that I had words of wisdom. I have a few dear friends who have unfortunately gone through what you are going through, and they all say that the only thing that really "helps" is time. It's been several years for each of them after the sudden deaths of their husbands. Each of them has begun dating again, and that seems to have helped, but do it in your own time and when you are ready. I am still thinking of you all the time. My heart is with you!

Thom Flinders said...

Hang on my friend, you've got a strong grip ;)